Austin Powers: What's the Deal with E Vil?
by Gilraen
Summary: Things are not going well at Evil Enterprises... Who would have expected the leader to leave? To be continued...


Disclaimer: Please let it be known that I have never written anything to do with Austin powers before, and so this may start off a little rough around the edges. I don't own any of these characters, they are all the product of Mike Myers' inexpressible wit. Please don't fret about the title - it will all make sense soon, promise.

**AUSTIN POWERS: WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH E. VIL?**

Dr. Evil sat at his chair, stroking Mr. Bigglesworth, and pondering which shiny red button in front of him he should press. Should it be Scott? The angst-filled fruit of his loins, who changed his look every nanosecond, and his attitude twice as often. Or perhaps Number 2? "Hmm… Maybe not." He thought sourly, pulling his finger back to tickle the shaven fur of his beloved pet. 

In front of him stood the figure of Austin powers, international Man of Mystery – clad in blue suede, again, wearing his hippy necklace, again. Really, the sheer repetitiveness of it all simply bored him, was it simply too much? 

"You'll never win Doctor Evil." 

The doctor smiled coyly and shook his head. "Really, Mr Powers, I would think that by now everyone knew that. Which out of us is the richer man? You with your flash car, your following of eager girls, your fan base of millions, and your uncountable hidden wealth? Or me, with… what I've got." 

Scott sent a sour look to his evil father, who had obviously neglected to mention that he was there, his son, his pride and joy. Reaching under the table he pulled out his pistol, and stood up straight. "Okay dad, here we go again – I'm not watching you mess this up any more – We'll shoot him, and then he can't get away!" 

"Scott, sit down, I've told you once, I've told you a million times – this is not the way that agents of Evil do things. I am planning to get rid of Mr powers in the way it should be done, in an easily escapable situation involving lots of diabolical laughter and guffaws, probably." 

Scott rolled his eyes, sitting back down. After banging his head on the black table a few times, (Everything was either black, red, or grey in every one of Dr. Evil's not-so-secret labs.) he looked back at his father. "But-" 

"Oh please man! Don't start this again!" Scott looked to the suede-clad buffoon who had so rudely interrupted. He allowed his jaw to fall a few inches, before picking it back up, and sticking out his bottom lip in a teenage sulk. 

"Quite. Well… where was I?" 

"I believe you were going to tell me how you planned to take over the world this time?" 

"Oh, yes of course. If you would just pay attention for a moment…" 

Placing his cat gently on the floor, Dr. Evil stood and flounced over to a screen, which came from the ceiling with a small whirring noise. He picked up a remote control and pointed it towards the screen, flicking a switch. 

To the room's inhabitants' surprise, the screen flickered on to Cartoon network – images of the roadrunner and Bugs Bunny invaded the formerly grey screen. Dr Evil turned to Mine-me, placing his hands on his hips. "Mini-me?" He put on his gentler tones of fatherliness, beckoning to the screen, "Have you been watching cartoons again?" 

Mini-me placed his pinkie to his lips and nodded, leaning on the table whilst standing on his black-leather high chair. Dr. Evil walked back over, picking up a spray-bottle of water. 

Mini-me scampered away as the cold spray was shot at him, followed by calls of "You do not watch cartoons on my evil television!"

Once he had gone, Dr. Evil composed himself with an extreme effort. "Right, if we can get back to business?" He flicked the screen back over to show what he had intended it to – a picture of some diabolical plan for… well… taking over the world of course. 

Really – it was all starting to get a bit much for him. Any more plans to take over the world and he was sure his head would implode. He did not originally take this many years of medical school to be so evil, it had just turned out that way – if it hadn't have been for the laddish boys there, he might have become a law-abiding citizen, never with need to undergo cryogenic freezing, never with need to go flouncing around proposing more dead-end schemes as a way to get some quick cash...

That was it – that was the moment at which a truly amazing thought occurred to him. Whatever happened to the idea of making an honest buck? Evil looked around for a while, pausing in his well-prepared speech mid-flow. Secret Agent powers stood, gun still poised, giving him a rather queer look. Frau gave her usual pinched stare of wonder, whilst Number 2 watched some invisible birds fly past the non-existent window. 

He flinched, and dropped the remote control with a clatter on the ground. The screen fizzled out and faded to black, withdrawing into the ceiling again. Before he knew where his sense had gone, Evil ran from the main room, past his evil henchmen, and out of the door into the blissfully cold night. 

Austin giggled a bit, only stopping when he saw the scowls on the faces of Dr. Evil's assistants. He raised his hand and waved with a smile. "Well, I guess I'll be popping off then!" 

Darting between evil henchmen left right and centre, Austin managed to get to the airtight door of the main chamber. There, he stopped and turned, shooting his pistol only three times, twice hitting two henchmen straight in the chest, once missing and hitting the chain supporting a rather heavy-looking light suspended from the ceiling. 

Austin Winced as the chunk of metal fell to the ground, upon a short, dark-haired, grey-uniformed man.

Lucy dashed to the phone in the hallway and picked it up with a smile. It would be Jim, calling from work at Dr. Evil's secret lair. He always called at this time. She answered gaily. "Hello? Jim?" 

Her face fell as the caller began recounting the tale of how an extremely heavy looking light which was suspended from the ceiling in the main chamber of Dr. Evil's secret lair had so tragically landed upon Jim's head, causing his untimely demise. She thanked the man on the other end and replaced the receiver shakily. 

Sitting down upon a chair next to the nightstand, she rested her head in her hands, shaking it from side to side. "Why did he have to be an evil henchmen? Why? The post office were so eager to have him aboard!" She stood and shook her fist at the sky. 

"DAMN YOU POWERS!!!" 


End file.
